Never Never Land

I say a lot of things I don't mean. But here's the thing: I mean them when I say them. 

Example #1: "God can send me anywhere. I will go wherever He wants me. Except for Africa. I'll never go to Africa." In May 2009, I applied for a position with Invisible Children in Gulu, Uganda.

Example #2: "I'll be married by 22. I won't know what to do with myself if I'm STILL not married by then." I'm 25 and single. And the happiest and healthiest I've ever been.

Example #3: "I'll never walk away from the Lord." See 2004-2008.

Example #4: "I don't want to have kids. I'm selfish, I like staying up late, and sleeping in, and going on trips at a moments notice. I'm not gonna have kids." Eff that. Seriously, what was I thinking?

Example #5: "I hate humidity." My skin has never been so soft in my entire life. And my hair is wavy - who knew?

Example #6: "I love the East Coast, but I could never live there." Which later became: "I would never live on the East Coast, but if I did, it'd be Virginia." A month ago Saturday, I boarded a one way flight to Melbourne, Florida.

My point is this: say what you mean and mean what you say. And never say never. But if things change and you change and people change, give yourself a little grace. Allow yourself the possibility of changed perspective. It just might open your eyes to what's been right in front of you all along.

Love.

New Beginnings

*If you are reading this and I haven't had the chance to tell you in person, I'm so sorry.  It's been a busy week, and I tried to get to as many people as possible.*

2801 miles, 10 days.

Those are all the things between me and my new adventure.  My new chapter.  My new...everything.  Mainly, my new job.  I have been offered the Intern Program Director position with the non-profit organization To Write Love On Her Arms, and I have accepted.  I will be moving to Melbourne, Florida.  If you haven't talked to me in the last week (or even if you have), you're probably a little shocked right now, so I'll start from the beginning.

71 days ago, I decided to go to a To Write Love On Her Arms event, despite my desire to stay home.  71 days ago, I stood up (ignoring the butterflies in my stomach) and asked a question.  71 days ago, I talked...a lot...to a guy whose story inspired me.  71 days ago, I said yes to a dinner invitation.

36 days ago, I took a road trip to San Francisco for Vans Warped Tour.  36 days ago, I spent part of the day meeting people and hanging out with a new friend.  36 days ago, I (somewhat jokingly) mentioned to this new friend that I'd love to work for To Write Love on Her Arms.  36 days ago, I was told not to get my hopes up.

34 days ago, I took a step in the direction of a dream and I vowed not to shove open doors or look for cracks in windows, and I asked the Lord to open the doors He wanted to.  26 days ago, I got an email and the real praying started.  23 days ago, I got a phone call.  10 days ago, I got another email.  9 days ago, I got another phone call.  8 days ago, I got on a plane.  7 days ago, I met new people, saw an office, a house, the beach, and had delicious mushroom ravioli.  6 days ago, I got a job offer, and I finally got my hopes up.

Really, this story goes back much further.  Years, in fact.  This story includes many people, and places, and events that have made me the person I am today.  It includes me staying put when I felt like running.  It includes God's unwavering love, and grace, and mercy, and so much redemption I wouldn't believe it possible if it weren't my story.  It includes hurting and healing.  Joy and pain.  Learning, growing, understanding.  I spoke with a friend recently about how fast I thought all of this was happening, and he said, "What are you talking about?  This has been a slow build in you for years.  It's just all coming together quickly now." How true that is.

I have absolutely no doubt that this new journey is one that I'm not walking alone.  There's still some logistical things to work out, and I'm still battling some doubt (me?  really?).  I'm choosing to leap.  I'm choosing to face the unknown holding tightly to the hand of my Savior, and walk this new path.  Fear is still crouching at the door hoping to get the best of me, but that guy can just move on.  I'm jumping.

Doors Closing, Windows Opening, and the Ties That Bind

I wrote this one awhile ago and just tonight realized I'd never published it:

The thing that no one tells you about chasing your dream is that, usually, it requires you giving something up.  Sometimes that something is easy to give up.  It's bad for you, or damaging in some way, so giving it up is a clear choice.  But what about when it's not so clear?  What if the thing you have to give up is something beautiful and good?  Something that's been used in your life for healing and community.  Something that you don't want to give up.

Recently, I've stepped down from a position I had in ministry.  I've served in that role for three years.  I've made some of my closest friends there and healed from some of my deepest wounds there. I've discovered my gifting there and grown closer to the Lord there.  I was happy there.  I was effective there.  I was content there.  And yet....


And yet.


Somewhere along the line, what was good for me became what was holding me.  What was keeping me.  Why would you want to leave something so good and comfortable for the unknown?  For the unseen?  For the thing you've always wanted but were too afraid to chase?

Dreams are a funny thing.  Usually, our dreams are things that come alive in the secret places.  They are things that we think about during idle moments or that we remember when we read a particularly stirring book or blog.  Mine have been dormant for awhile.  Sleeping somewhere in the backside of my conscious.  I would revisit them from time to time, but for the most part I was just waiting for them to come true.  Taking no steps toward them - running from them, to be honest.  Then a funny thing happened.  I took a step.  Just a one.  But I took a step in the direction of my dreams.  And now these dreams that have been quiet and calm and visited only in the dark of the night are SCREAMING.  My dreams don't meet me in slumber.  My dreams wake with the morning.

Fears vs. Dreams

I'm terrified to write this blog.  But I think it'll be good for me.  Good to put down in words the things that have been hiding in my heart for so long.  Good to see them and acknowledge them and *gasp* maybe even pursue them.

I recently attended a To Write Love On Her Arms event at LifePoint Church in Minden, NV.  It changed me.  Well, that may be an exaggeration.  It brought into harsh reality the age old truth that Jesus gave us in Luke 12:48: "When someone has been given much, much will be required in return."  And I have been given much grace. Much mercy. Much love. My gracious Father used this event to remind me of some very simple, but very powerful truths.  Mainly, people MATTER.  And they need someone to tell show them.  God has put it on my heart to share this truth with His kids on many occasions, and I'm not proud to say that I haven't always risen to the challenge.  But there I was, in a room full of people who are loved more than they'll ever know, who were crying out.  Crying out for hope.  Crying out for understanding.  Crying out for someone, ANYONE, to be there.  Needless to say, I was moved.  I was touched.  I was undone.

During this event the founder of TWLOHA (Jamie Tworkowski) shared this video:

It really got me thinking.  What IS my biggest fear?  What is my GREATEST dream?  I've been pondering these questions for about three weeks now.  And I need to share it.  I need to get it out.  I need to document it somewhere.  So this is going to get really raw really fast, and I hope you don't mind.  This is what I've come up with:

My Greatest Dream:

My dream is to change the world.  Not in a way that brings me fame or fortune, but in a way that helps the hopeless find hope.  In a way that helps the broken and hurting find healing.  In a way that helps those forgotten know they're seen and heard.  In a way that helps people know they're loved - not for who others say they could be or even should be, but right where they are.  In a way that helps captives find freedom.  In a way that helps the lost be found.  I want to be a force in the world for good.  For TRUTH.  For PEACE.  My greatest dream?  To find the man God has for me and for his dream to match my dream.  For us to be dreamers together with a purpose and a passion for loving others, and to make our dream a reality.  

My Biggest Fear:

That the person who keeps me from making this dream a reality will be me.  That my fear will hold me back.  That I won't take the steps I should because of my indecision lack of faith.  Not lack of faith in Jesus.  He's got this.  He who is in me is GREATER.  But because of my lack of faith in myself.  

Like I said, I'm terrified to write this blog. Even now, I'm debating deleting it. It scary to look into those parts of yourself when you don't know what you'll find. But I'm choosing to believe 1 John 4:19: "There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear." I have NO idea what walking out my dream looks like, but I know it starts with love. I think Colossians 3:14 sums it up really well: "And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." So that's where I'm starting.