Never Never Land

I say a lot of things I don't mean. But here's the thing: I mean them when I say them. 

Example #1: "God can send me anywhere. I will go wherever He wants me. Except for Africa. I'll never go to Africa." In May 2009, I applied for a position with Invisible Children in Gulu, Uganda.

Example #2: "I'll be married by 22. I won't know what to do with myself if I'm STILL not married by then." I'm 25 and single. And the happiest and healthiest I've ever been.

Example #3: "I'll never walk away from the Lord." See 2004-2008.

Example #4: "I don't want to have kids. I'm selfish, I like staying up late, and sleeping in, and going on trips at a moments notice. I'm not gonna have kids." Eff that. Seriously, what was I thinking?

Example #5: "I hate humidity." My skin has never been so soft in my entire life. And my hair is wavy - who knew?

Example #6: "I love the East Coast, but I could never live there." Which later became: "I would never live on the East Coast, but if I did, it'd be Virginia." A month ago Saturday, I boarded a one way flight to Melbourne, Florida.

My point is this: say what you mean and mean what you say. And never say never. But if things change and you change and people change, give yourself a little grace. Allow yourself the possibility of changed perspective. It just might open your eyes to what's been right in front of you all along.

Love.

New Beginnings

*If you are reading this and I haven't had the chance to tell you in person, I'm so sorry.  It's been a busy week, and I tried to get to as many people as possible.*

2801 miles, 10 days.

Those are all the things between me and my new adventure.  My new chapter.  My new...everything.  Mainly, my new job.  I have been offered the Intern Program Director position with the non-profit organization To Write Love On Her Arms, and I have accepted.  I will be moving to Melbourne, Florida.  If you haven't talked to me in the last week (or even if you have), you're probably a little shocked right now, so I'll start from the beginning.

71 days ago, I decided to go to a To Write Love On Her Arms event, despite my desire to stay home.  71 days ago, I stood up (ignoring the butterflies in my stomach) and asked a question.  71 days ago, I talked...a lot...to a guy whose story inspired me.  71 days ago, I said yes to a dinner invitation.

36 days ago, I took a road trip to San Francisco for Vans Warped Tour.  36 days ago, I spent part of the day meeting people and hanging out with a new friend.  36 days ago, I (somewhat jokingly) mentioned to this new friend that I'd love to work for To Write Love on Her Arms.  36 days ago, I was told not to get my hopes up.

34 days ago, I took a step in the direction of a dream and I vowed not to shove open doors or look for cracks in windows, and I asked the Lord to open the doors He wanted to.  26 days ago, I got an email and the real praying started.  23 days ago, I got a phone call.  10 days ago, I got another email.  9 days ago, I got another phone call.  8 days ago, I got on a plane.  7 days ago, I met new people, saw an office, a house, the beach, and had delicious mushroom ravioli.  6 days ago, I got a job offer, and I finally got my hopes up.

Really, this story goes back much further.  Years, in fact.  This story includes many people, and places, and events that have made me the person I am today.  It includes me staying put when I felt like running.  It includes God's unwavering love, and grace, and mercy, and so much redemption I wouldn't believe it possible if it weren't my story.  It includes hurting and healing.  Joy and pain.  Learning, growing, understanding.  I spoke with a friend recently about how fast I thought all of this was happening, and he said, "What are you talking about?  This has been a slow build in you for years.  It's just all coming together quickly now." How true that is.

I have absolutely no doubt that this new journey is one that I'm not walking alone.  There's still some logistical things to work out, and I'm still battling some doubt (me?  really?).  I'm choosing to leap.  I'm choosing to face the unknown holding tightly to the hand of my Savior, and walk this new path.  Fear is still crouching at the door hoping to get the best of me, but that guy can just move on.  I'm jumping.

Doors Closing, Windows Opening, and the Ties That Bind

I wrote this one awhile ago and just tonight realized I'd never published it:

The thing that no one tells you about chasing your dream is that, usually, it requires you giving something up.  Sometimes that something is easy to give up.  It's bad for you, or damaging in some way, so giving it up is a clear choice.  But what about when it's not so clear?  What if the thing you have to give up is something beautiful and good?  Something that's been used in your life for healing and community.  Something that you don't want to give up.

Recently, I've stepped down from a position I had in ministry.  I've served in that role for three years.  I've made some of my closest friends there and healed from some of my deepest wounds there. I've discovered my gifting there and grown closer to the Lord there.  I was happy there.  I was effective there.  I was content there.  And yet....


And yet.


Somewhere along the line, what was good for me became what was holding me.  What was keeping me.  Why would you want to leave something so good and comfortable for the unknown?  For the unseen?  For the thing you've always wanted but were too afraid to chase?

Dreams are a funny thing.  Usually, our dreams are things that come alive in the secret places.  They are things that we think about during idle moments or that we remember when we read a particularly stirring book or blog.  Mine have been dormant for awhile.  Sleeping somewhere in the backside of my conscious.  I would revisit them from time to time, but for the most part I was just waiting for them to come true.  Taking no steps toward them - running from them, to be honest.  Then a funny thing happened.  I took a step.  Just a one.  But I took a step in the direction of my dreams.  And now these dreams that have been quiet and calm and visited only in the dark of the night are SCREAMING.  My dreams don't meet me in slumber.  My dreams wake with the morning.

Fears vs. Dreams

I'm terrified to write this blog.  But I think it'll be good for me.  Good to put down in words the things that have been hiding in my heart for so long.  Good to see them and acknowledge them and *gasp* maybe even pursue them.

I recently attended a To Write Love On Her Arms event at LifePoint Church in Minden, NV.  It changed me.  Well, that may be an exaggeration.  It brought into harsh reality the age old truth that Jesus gave us in Luke 12:48: "When someone has been given much, much will be required in return."  And I have been given much grace. Much mercy. Much love. My gracious Father used this event to remind me of some very simple, but very powerful truths.  Mainly, people MATTER.  And they need someone to tell show them.  God has put it on my heart to share this truth with His kids on many occasions, and I'm not proud to say that I haven't always risen to the challenge.  But there I was, in a room full of people who are loved more than they'll ever know, who were crying out.  Crying out for hope.  Crying out for understanding.  Crying out for someone, ANYONE, to be there.  Needless to say, I was moved.  I was touched.  I was undone.

During this event the founder of TWLOHA (Jamie Tworkowski) shared this video:

It really got me thinking.  What IS my biggest fear?  What is my GREATEST dream?  I've been pondering these questions for about three weeks now.  And I need to share it.  I need to get it out.  I need to document it somewhere.  So this is going to get really raw really fast, and I hope you don't mind.  This is what I've come up with:

My Greatest Dream:

My dream is to change the world.  Not in a way that brings me fame or fortune, but in a way that helps the hopeless find hope.  In a way that helps the broken and hurting find healing.  In a way that helps those forgotten know they're seen and heard.  In a way that helps people know they're loved - not for who others say they could be or even should be, but right where they are.  In a way that helps captives find freedom.  In a way that helps the lost be found.  I want to be a force in the world for good.  For TRUTH.  For PEACE.  My greatest dream?  To find the man God has for me and for his dream to match my dream.  For us to be dreamers together with a purpose and a passion for loving others, and to make our dream a reality.  

My Biggest Fear:

That the person who keeps me from making this dream a reality will be me.  That my fear will hold me back.  That I won't take the steps I should because of my indecision lack of faith.  Not lack of faith in Jesus.  He's got this.  He who is in me is GREATER.  But because of my lack of faith in myself.  

Like I said, I'm terrified to write this blog. Even now, I'm debating deleting it. It scary to look into those parts of yourself when you don't know what you'll find. But I'm choosing to believe 1 John 4:19: "There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear." I have NO idea what walking out my dream looks like, but I know it starts with love. I think Colossians 3:14 sums it up really well: "And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." So that's where I'm starting.

Mary

A few weekends ago I was sitting in church listening to one of our wonderful worship arts team-members sing a song called "A Baby Changes Everything" and it hit me: I've never really considered Mary before.

She's a pretty big part of the Christmas story, but I'd never actually spent any time thinking about her.  I spent the briefest part of a moment pondering her and here's what I've come up with:

1) She was probably in her teenage years.

2) She had fallen in love with a man and was betrothed to him, so she was probably pretty joyful.  Two great friends of mine are in the final stages of planning their wedding, and they are just beacons of joy walking around.  Their faces shine with love and anticipation and they can barely contain their excitement.  I know times have changed, but I still imagine Mary probably felt a bit like my friend who's about to be a bride. *Note: In the time between me writing this blog and posting it, these friends have gotten married.  I couldn't even begin to imagine how brightly my dear friend would shine after she became the wife of the man God created to be her husband.*

3) She endured great shame scorn. Mary was just a teenage girl in love with a boy.  And then suddenly, she was pregnant.  Our culture is basically immune to women being pregnant outside of marriage, but during Mary's time, that ruined your life.  I can only imagine the comments and looks she was subjected to.  I think of how much more 'tolerant' we claim to be today and yet we still have moments of treating people as less than fungus.  I struggle to comprehend what Mary had to endure.

4) She got out of the way. Did she ever.  She didn't just sacrifice for the Lord.  She didn't just surrender some of herself.  She handed over everything.  Her love - both for Joseph and herself.  Her reputation.  Her body. Her womanhood.  Her motherhood.  Her life.  And she considered it an honor.


Here is this young woman, about to be married, and an angel appears to her and tells her that she has found great favor with God, and because of that favor she is going to give birth to a son.  Mary's only recorded rebuttal is: "How will this be since I am a virgin?" The angel tells her, and her response is simply: "I am the Lord's servant.  May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1: 26-38)

This woman astounds me.  She doesn't pepper the angel with a million questions.  She doesn't try to get out of the situation.  She doesn't even complain about how this is going to disrupt her life.  There is no argument from Mary.  In fact, a few verses later she's visiting her relative Elizabeth, and Mary sings this amazing song about her soul glorifying the Lord, her spirit rejoicing in God, and all the wonderful things He has done.

I want to be like Mary.  Instead of hesitating when God asks me to give something over to Him, or arguing when He tells me His plans, I want to have joy and say, "Lord, I am Your servant.  May Your will be done."  Even if what He's asking for is everything, a complete re-write of the life script I had planned.  May I desire nothing more than the power of the Most High to overshadow me.

Heavenly Father, I thank You for showing me the heart of Mary.  Lord, I ask that You would eclipse me with You.  Have Your way in my life, and use me to further Your Kingdom in anyway You see fit.  May my response to Your plans be joy and a holy expectation of Your presence.  Father, I confess the sin of trying to write my own story.  This isn't a life to be lived for myself.  May the utmost desire of my heart always be to seek Your face, Jesus, and to see Your will be done. Amen.

Emergency Lights

A few days ago driving home from Carson I passed a truck on the side of the road that had it's emergency lights on.  Whenever this happens, I have to fight the urge to pull over and see if they need help.  That is, after all, the point of emergency lights.  They were installed for the purpose of alerting other drivers that you were in an emergent situation and needed help.  However, in today's society, they are more like a warning to stay away.  They mainly communicate "go around me" or "be careful not to hit me".  They rarely mean "please, someone, help".  In fact, off the top of my head, I couldn't tell you where the emergency light switch is in my car (and I'm sure I'm not alone).

Then, like I tend to do, I started thinking about the spiritual parallels.  You see, I am convinced that God gave all people their own emergency lights.  Things that change (whether in appearance or behavior) when we're having a hard time.  When we need help (we all do sometimes - even if we don't admit it).  When we desperately wish someone to pull over and lend a hand.  I'm also convinced that we're failing horribly.  People are falling apart all over the place.  The world is so full of metaphorical emergency lights that we don't even notice them anymore.  Worse than that, we've accepted them as normal.  We tend to write off people struggling to keep breathing.  We say "they need space" or "they don't like it when you hover" or "it's not my place" or "that's just how they cope". I'm calling B.S.

Jeremiah 6:14 MSG
My people are broken—shattered!—
and they put on band-aids,
Saying, ‘It’s not so bad. You’ll be just fine.’
But things are not ‘just fine’!

People were made to LOVE!  We were created in the image of a God who is love.  How is ignoring the suffering around us loving people?  Yet we continue 'going around' people.  Why do we do that?  I keep coming back to a teaching by Josh Riebock I heard over the summer.  He was talking about the Good Samaritan of Luke.  Josh explained that when the Samaritan stopped to help the battered man, he probably had to bend down to pick him up, which means he likely ended up covered in the man's blood.  He wasn't afraid to get the other guys 'stuff' on him.  So why are we?  Why don't we, as Josh would say, 'run to the mess'?  And why, once someone has given us entry into their life, are we unwilling to just say, "Hey, that's the edge of a cliff you're running toward.  How about turning around?"

Confession: when I see someone whose life is falling apart, my first reaction is to hug them/reach out to them/see if I can help.  But my sinful second reaction is to run as fast as I can.  I have enough issues of my own, I don't want to add that person's problems to the pile.  I don't want to get dragged into their drama.  I don't want to get their 'stuff' on me.  Plus, if people see me with them, then they are going to think that I'm struggling with the same things they are, right?!  I'm ashamed of how often I allow the second impulse to overtake the first.  Perhaps daily.

So, my new mission: love people.  Not the way I would, but the way our Heavenly Father would: where they are, for who they are, but desiring to see them transformed into His likeness.  I'm not sure what this looks like yet, but I'm confident He will reveal it to me.  He is, after all, the one who put this fire within my heart.  He loves His people, and He wants me doing the same.  So I'm going to ask Him to show me how.

"Who You love I'll love,
how You serve I'll serve,
if this life I lose I will follow You"

Searching for Direction

I am easily distracted.

Well, yeah, duh.  But not in the, "Oooo...shiny" kind of way.  Because being distracted by shiny things isn't the problem.  If my God is anything, He's shiny.

 (before you start screaming, keep reading)  

He's beautiful, full of light and love and compassion.  He's strong and powerful.  He awakens me with gorgeous sunrises and ushers out the day with breathtaking sunsets.  He made mountains with the palms of His hands and commands the waves with His breath.  He is glorious, He is mighty, He is everything.  He is shiny and speactacular and the reason my heart beats.  He loves me completely and totally.  He loves me.  He loves me.  He loves me.

And yet...and yet...I am easily distracted.  I have all of these things that I want to do.  Goals that I want to accomplish because I think I need to reach them in order to be happy and satisfied.  Places I want to go.  People I want to meet. And these things and goals and places and people distract me.  Hear me out.  I'm not saying things and goals and places and people are bad.  They all can come from God.  But never EVER should they overwhelm my desire to know HIM.  HE has plans.  I know that I have plans, but if they aren't HIS plans then they're just going to take me further down a road that I know I don't want to be on.

This road - this road full of my plans and void of His - looks great from a distance.  

It's got the right color scheme and that really freshly poured tar. 

(You know the kind I mean.  Right after they repave and you can't even hear your tires on it)  

It looks like the most beautiful place my mind can create.  

It smells like the cologne my Papa used to wear.  

BUT 

As I try to look further down the road to see what to expect, 

I notice the road turns and I can't see beyond my first hundred steps or so.  

Let's call this road αυτο.  

It's to the left of the fork I seem to be finding myself at lately.  

To the right I find road Τον.
Road Τον opens with a blood spatter and this man who wants to keep me company.
This man is covered in blood.
He has holes in the hands that want to hold mine.
But His eyes.
Oh, His eyes.
They are brimming with love.  He wears this look of love and joy and peace.
And it's directed at me, which I find odd (which is a whole other blog).
Odd and a little scary but mostly just welcoming.
I'm not sure what home smells like, but that's the smell emanating from road Τον.
As I glance down this road I see spot of that fresh tar I mentioned earlier,
but I also see areas of serious wear.
Potholes and some sections that aren't even paved.
Further down I see people who look hungry and abandoned.
Even further down I see such beauty that my breath stops and my heart beats faster.
This road looks hard and a little scary and like it will require me to put down my backpack full of
ME that I've been carrying around.
Full of MY plans
and MY hopes
and MY dreams.
 And not just drop it, but this man wants to carry it for me.

So, do I choose road αυτο or road Τον?  

Down road αυτο there's a whole lot of me.  

And road Τον doesn't seem to leave a whole lot of room for me.  

But I know I have to make a choice.  

Right now.  

There's no turning back.

If my brain worked the way I want it to, I would be easily distracted.  

BY HIM.  

He would distract me from all the struggles I keep trying to outrun on my own.  

So, that's it.  

I'm choosing to be distracted.

I'm choosing to be eclipsed.  

I'm choosing to be captivated.  

I'm choosing to pursue Him with abandon.  

Road Τον may be bumpier, but I know it's better than my wildest dreams.